I am ashamed of myself...but I refuse to stay this way.

  This blog I have been fighting to not write for over a month now. Embarrassed, ashamed, digusted, are just the start of how I feel about myself. Being over weight for so many years and it spiraling out of control I have been scared I would never get my health back on track. There has been certain events this past year that really has pulled at my heart strings. 

  I've always felt I needed to do something to get back into motivation. Thank goodness my husband Dan has not given up on me through it all. He has bought me so many different things I've asked for to get down to a decent size. There was a break through so I thought a few years ago by going to a weight Dr. and I did lose 30 lbs but it was at a high price where my health was concerned. See this drug phenermine suppressed my appetite down to nothing. It even made me not want water which is really bad. I had two episodes around 2 Am where I thought i was going to die. I got extremely dizzy cold sweats. I grabbed a slimfast drink from the fridge and drank it quickly. It turns out I was having low sugar attacks since I was only taking in about 500 cal. A DAY. I also started losing my hair from lack of nutrition.

  God has really been throwing me curveballs trying to get me to pay attention to what is becoming of myself. He confirmed more than once last month that I need to change my habits, no that is putting it nicely my addictions to food. The Holy Spirit  has put in my heart I am sinning by making food my idol. I have denied this as truth for far too long. I should've started this blog then but I was still being prideful. I didn't want to air out my dirty laundry to the world.

 Last year God called me to fast but not the conventional fast but The Daniel Fast. I ate so clean my skin looked better, my dry scalp was clearing up. With the anointing of the spirit it is entirely possible to 

eat only foods that glorifies "Him". When I turned my focus off him during the fast and was focusing on" what can I eat?" I felt I needed to end the fast. I made something that was supposed to glorify God about me and that was wrong.

 Looking back this last year I am thankful to be given painful "insights". We had to a Pizza Buffet there was a table of two women sitting in front of us. The mom of two young children was sitting in her booth on the same side I was to where I could see her from behind. This sounds totally judgemental and it is but she had very trashy look going on. Dan had gotten up to get more to eat while I was still seated and when he returned from the buffet he sat down at the wrong table. He saw this woman from the corner of his eye and thought she was me! I was so appalled and disgusted. She way she was dressed , the way she had her hair was similar to mine the only difference was she sported facial piercings and tattoos. It really hurt me. It wasn't what he did, it was I let myself go.

If I don't vent...I may just blow!

You know what this is going to be a pity party. My whole life I have tried to be myself and rarely does this seem to be good enough. I feel like being "me" is not at all interesting to the world to people I'd like to think is my friends my family... my husband. It seems like my appeal to others is about as good as a 2nd hand bag from Good Will. I'm not that desired coveted purse in the department store window, I'm the one that someone bought because it was convenient got the job done but when something fresh and interesting come along I was tossed in the pile to be donated out. At least I'm not totally outdated to where I'm tossed in the garbage I suppose.
  I feel as though I must be a bore to talk with because anymore, I'm lucky to get a text to see how I'm doing. I hate texting, I feel like people use it as a mechanism to avoid a meaningful conversation or to waste their valuable time one me. If I do get conversations it is from someone who has idle time while they are DRIVING!!!! It's like I'm driving across town so I thought  since I have this 10 mins of driving I'll chat but when I get out of the car I don't have time for you any longer. great ,thanks, so glad I'm just worth your drive time.
 Oh I can't on with this it is not helping me at all.

God's Chosen Path

So today was kinda amazing.  What seemed to be a simple outing to the park with the kids turned out to be so much more!  I knew we need to get out of the house while Dan was gone taking Jordan to his dentist visit and back to his mom.  I went back and forth which park to go to (our neighborhood park or public park) in my thinking we should go to the public park with hopes that there would be kids for my kids to interact with. Our little neighbor hood park just never really has kids there just older people walking their dogs. Kyle just doesn't get out to meet kids in this neighborhood like he did in our old neighborhood so I decided to drive over to the public park and try to encourage him to go over to the skate park while the little kids played but he was firm in not doing so. The air was deceiving and was a little more chilly than anticipated so I lured the younger two back to the van to go home and get heavier jackets and myself a cup of coffee. Dan was home so I decided to leave my van and purse home this time and we would walk and ride bikes over to the neighborhood park. So I sent Jayden and Kyle a little ahead of me and Gracen so I could take my coffee back home. I arrived their just a moment after they did and noticed there as actually a family there.  THe mom had a little yorkie puppy mine and jayden's favorite little dog.  Jayden immediately went to ask if she could pet her and her opening line is as always,"I like your dog".My daddy won't let us have a dog and I really want one." I noticed she had two teen boys and a teen daughter close toKyle and Jordan's age so I had to know if they were from our neighborhood.  I don't usually just start chatting up people I don't know but it's kinda killing me Kyle hasn't made friends well enough to socialize with outside school. Something prompted me to ask her if her boys likes to throw a football because my son brought his and has noone to throw it too. She began telling me her 12 year old was really shy and kept to himself and it is killing her to see him so withdrawn from people the way he was. (Hello! THis was my son she was talking about ) No but they sound very much alike with very similar stories.  Kyle and the older kids played for a bit. She and I began to chat more and interesting enough they aren't even from our neighborhood but like our park. We both started realizing we are women of faith and have similar family situations. Something else prompted me to suggest we exchange numbers so maybe we could get our two shy sons to connect. She seemed glad I asked. We talked some more and the things we talked about we both realizing this wasn't just a casual chance encounter that God had led us both to this park today. THank you God for knowing I need a friend to relate to as well as my kids. I pray Jayden's turn will be next and even Dan! 

My new home feels like and old familiar place.

So We bought our home Oc†. 7 2011. THis is a place we all fell in love with as a family. Since being here there is times it feels so strangely familiar, almost like it was built just for me. THat couldn't be so since this home was built when I was in the 8th or 9th grade. Sometimes I think "well, maybe it is because I looked at the listing so many times before and after we put a bid on it.The tile in our kitchen is identical to the tile my parents layed in their home and the carpet is the same color they had. Maybe that is part of it but I Believe there is much more to this feeling. While we were viewing for the first time I knew THe Holy Spirit was already living here. First glance at the house and seeing christian theme wind chimes was a good sign. The as we entered the home I noticed a bible verse on a workout machine. Then as we were upstairs Dan pointed to another bible verse written on an index card taped to the bathroom wall. The sense has grown stronger as I see my family united in The Lord. Since Dan has stepped up and opened his heart back up to God and started going to church on his own free will. I've realized this familiar place isn't a place at all , it is the Spirit Of The LORd! It is the same spirit that was in home home as a child when my family walked closely To God and loved going to church as a family. THe spirit that calms, the spirit that purifies, the spirit of joy. The spirit of love and devotion. The spirit of unity and reassurance. Lord thank you for never giving up on me and your grace that is upon us in this familiar home.